Week 23- Fear of the uknown with hope for the future

We are officially going to San Francisco July 1st. We'll be at the hospital doing ultrasounds, echoes, and an MRI the 2nd and 3rd, and we'll get our results back the 5th. At that point, depending on if we are good candidates, Malone and I will decide if fetal surgery is right for us. We'll be staying in a hotel about 20-30 minutes from the hospital (it's the cheapest best hotel we could find) and most likely be renting a car to get to and from the appointments. If we decide against the surgery, we'll be home Monday the 8th and the rest of the pregnancy carries on like normal until 37 weeks. If we decide to go forward with the prenatal surgery, I'll check into the hospital Monday night and go in for surgery first thing Tuesday morning.

Since we have found out about our baby's condition it's been an emotional roller coaster. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Most days I do alright and I feel positive about it. Some days I just get overwhelmed and can't believe things have turned out this way and I am just sad for our baby. My biggest fear right now is all the unknowns. I feel scared about what our future holds concerning Malone's schooling and finding a job. He is so close to graduating, and has had interviews for jobs that we now don't know if he will get because of school. I am concerned about having to leave work for a few months and living on one income. I am scared of going to San Francisco and possibly having to stay there a while. I've never been there and have no idea what to expect really. I don't know where I'll end up or how things will be after surgery. Right now I don't know how serious our baby's condition is, which is difficult and makes me worry more. I don't know what to expect until he's born what he will be capable of even doing. SO many unknowns right now.

Some days it's hard to feel excited about the pregnancy and having a baby like before. I admit some days I dread it. But I am really trying to be positive and look for things to be excited about. I am excited to see his face, what he looks like, how much hair he will have. I am excited to decorate his nursery. I am excited to buy him clothes and all the stuff he'll need. I am excited to just hold him. I figure, even if he does have spina bifida he will still be a regular baby who needs to be loved and held and fed just like any other baby does. And I look forward to that. And while the whole situation of the unknowns is scary, there are things that I do know that make me feel so much better.

I know that Malone and I have been given this challenge because it is something we can handle together. I know that Heavenly Father is so aware of us and has put people in our lives that can help us and support us. I know that He works hard to give me peace of mind, even if I do have bad days sometimes. I know that he put Malone in my life for a reason, and I am so incredibly grateful for him and the strength and support he gives me. He is so wonderfully supportive in every way, I just couldn't ask for a better husband. I know that this baby is going to be okay no matter what happens. I have a good feeling that things will not only work out, but that this little boy will be an inspiration to me and others in so many ways I never would have thought possible. I know deep down that our lives are in Heavenly Father's hands. If we just let Him, he can lift us up and bear our burdens for us. I have a testimony that this is true because I have experienced it. I am so thankful for the gospel and the strength it gives me everyday. I am thankful to have the eternal perspective that I have to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. It's what gives me hope and gets me through the day.